Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
