I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
