You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
