I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
