I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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