I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
