What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
