I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
