and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
