he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
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