i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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