had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
