tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
