i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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