Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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