Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
