We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
