I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
