her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's Friday. Sex?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
