In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
