Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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