I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
