i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
These tits shall not be calmed
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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