Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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