I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
