i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
