i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
