He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
