Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
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