i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
