Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
