i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
