maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
