the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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