Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
