I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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