Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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