ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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