She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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