I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
