I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
