Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
