I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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