Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
