and my herpes radar will keep us safe
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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