I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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