there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
