So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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