Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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