Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
