I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
