i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
