I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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