ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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