Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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