I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize