So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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