I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
